Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Lost sheep

So...I think I've come to realize why I have never been full throttle in my walk with God. I am afraid, very afraid. I'm afraid that if I do everything I can...doing devotions, having prayer time every morning, going to church, getting involved...that I still won't feel anything. I've never felt God, like I've heard other people talk about it. I want to, but I haven't. What if I go all out, I do everything and I still feel nothing? What will that mean? What will that do to me? I don't want to feel nothing...I want to feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING! I just feel so lost most of the time.
On that note...here's something else I've been feeling, I was going to make it a post a few days ago, so I'll just write it like a post, within a post.

A servants heart
I was laying in bed the other night, unable to sleep...and I started thinking. I am such a selfish person! That's why I don't want another kid, it would cut into "Kim time." It's always been about me. I hate this about myself. I can't even take a few minutes and play 'paper strip people' with Rye in the waiting room of the doctor's office because I might miss something on Dr. Phil. Why don't I have any of that child like playfulness inside me? I have to actually force myself to play games Rye wants to, like it's this huge inconvenience. I don't want her to be that. I want to be a Mom that's fun to play with. I want to be a wife who doesn't think about what she gets to get because her husband spent some money. i am just so sick of myself, especially when under the influence of caffeine or getting off of it. Even when I'm off it though, I just never seem to be in a good mood anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is this my life?

1 comment:

Heather said...

:) We are to give Him our all because He shed His blood for us and gave us assurance of eternal life with Him. Even if you never "feel" anything, you will know you are being obedient. We are to be a "living sacrifice" - and never just a "luke-warm" Christian. Which I try to settle for often, but am left unsatisfied, by the Grace of God, He chastens and draws me near and requires ALL of me to feel satisfied with my walk.
Jer. 29:13 "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart"

Don't go by what you feel...go by what He says and promises.

"Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory" 1Pet 1:8

love you and praying for you,