Lost sheep

So...I think I've come to realize why I have never been full throttle in my walk with God. I am afraid, very afraid. I'm afraid that if I do everything I can...doing devotions, having prayer time every morning, going to church, getting involved...that I still won't feel anything. I've never felt God, like I've heard other people talk about it. I want to, but I haven't. What if I go all out, I do everything and I still feel nothing? What will that mean? What will that do to me? I don't want to feel nothing...I want to feel SOMETHING, ANYTHING! I just feel so lost most of the time.
On that note...here's something else I've been feeling, I was going to make it a post a few days ago, so I'll just write it like a post, within a post.

A servants heart
I was laying in bed the other night, unable to sleep...and I started thinking. I am such a selfish person! That's why I don't want another kid, it would cut into "Kim time." It's always been about me. I hate this about myself. I can't even take a few minutes and play 'paper strip people' with Rye in the waiting room of the doctor's office because I might miss something on Dr. Phil. Why don't I have any of that child like playfulness inside me? I have to actually force myself to play games Rye wants to, like it's this huge inconvenience. I don't want her to be that. I want to be a Mom that's fun to play with. I want to be a wife who doesn't think about what she gets to get because her husband spent some money. i am just so sick of myself, especially when under the influence of caffeine or getting off of it. Even when I'm off it though, I just never seem to be in a good mood anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is this my life?