Saturday, April 15, 2006

The real me...

I know, insane-o...three posts in one day. After such an absence. It's crazy I know.
I was driving to WalMart listening to music...and I just started wondering?! Does anyone really know the real me? Do I even know the real me? I mean, how do I come off to people I just meet? And do I ever really show people the me I am when I'm by myself? And is that person I am when I'm by myself really what I want to be? Indecisive, vain, selfish, impatient, judgmental, semi-perfectionist (I say semi because it's only in regards to myself). There are the good qualities...loyal, humorous, loving, giving (I think), helpful, good natured (when not under the influence of caffeine). I just never know if I'm being real or not. I get so scared that I'm just this copy of whoever I happen to be with. I tend to never reach the extreme of an emotion. I mean, I've been happy and sad and definitely depressed...but sometimes I don't think I FEEL enough. Maybe I just forget the times where I feel something really strongly. Most of the 'feelings' feeling has to do with my walk with God. I've heard so many people talk about feeling God. Having this big changing moment, I've never felt that. I often doubt whether I'm a Christian at all...if I haven't felt God in that way, how can I know? I try do do what's right, to resist temptations, to live a Godly life...but there are times when I've been doing really well that this thought crosses my mind, "Am I just living a lie? Is it all an act? Is this just for show?" I get so scared that this is true. I love God and I fully believe that Jesus died on the cross for me and that I'm a sinner (there's never been a doubt in my mind of that), I've asked Christ into my heart a number of times...but I never get this feeling of a hole being filled, that my life is changed...shouldn't I feel this? I've had these doubts since high school and they just always seem to creep up on me. I don't know what to do about this...I pray about it, but it feels like I'm just talking to a big empty space. I know I need to have faith that God will give me what I need, when I need it. It's just so hard. Please pray for me.
I wasn't exactly thinking this post would end up this way. Isn't it weird how you think it'll go one way and it just comes out another. I guess this has been on my heart for a while, milling around in there.
Oh, and we still have no idea what we're doing about the second baby thing. Hunny is leaning back to having only Monkey. Pray Pray Pray


dani said...

i dont think there is every really a 'you'. i think 'you' change daily based on the circumstances that surrond you. all you can really do is strive to be like god. after all we never will be exactly like him we can only try.

Beth said...

HOLY CRAP! Did Dani really just write that comment? You're creepin' me out, dude. But I agree.

I feel the same way everyday, Kimi. Never knowing who I am, who I'm not, who I'm supposed to be. As far as the feelings thing goes, don't feel bad about not living your life in extremes. It's not that great of a time, either. And you know I know.

I learned something interesting in The Hubster and I's last counseling session (should that be "my's"?). I was saying that I couldn't think of any specific things in my childhood (comments, events, actions) that I needed to forgive Busy Bee for (it's my project right now, forgiveness). And Max said that, from what he could tell of me, I lived most of my life in feelings, focusing not on what actual events were happening, but on how I was feeling during them (he was spot on, by the way). And he told me that feelings don't have memories. You might remember feeling a certain emotion, but you don't remember what it actually felt like. And that might be why I couldn't remember things, because I couldn't remember the emotions that went with the events. You have felt plenty of strong emotions. I've been there for a lot of them. You just might not remember them. Believe me, it's a blessing and a gift to be able to be level and steady in your emotions.

As far as the God thing goes. Remember, we basically have the exact same testimony. I feel the same way all the time. I've never had this huge God Experience. I have no awesome story to tell at church. I think it's the "I grew up in a Christian household" syndrome. You're doing the right thing, just trusting that He's there. And when the day comes when you really do have to lean only on Him (as in the case of The Hubster leaving), you'll know He's been there all along. You won't miss His presence. Dang, I sound really wise and spiritual, don't I?

Okay, you know I love you. Always have and always will. You know you're my favorite sister...CRAP! Don't tell anyone I said that, okay?

Okay, this comment is so long, I should have just posted it on my own blog.


Beth said...

BTW, I replied to your post on my blog about the shirts. Didn't feel like emailing you to tell you about it.

Oh, and if anyone wants the answer to the test question below, it's "fkhznde." Don't tell the teacher we're cheating ova' heah.

Heather said...

:) I love how you wear your heart on your sleeve. Being saved as a young child, I never had that huge "experience" to rely on either. I too have gone through many a doubt...usually when my daily devotion and prayer time slip. The ONLY remedy for our insecurity is to search the scriptures and ask the Lord to help you know Him better. I have to smile when I read this post...because I can sooo relate. Sometimes, you might be right on track, but just before you take a huge growth step, satan tries to distract you with doubt and discouragement. Have you ever read HIND'S FEET ON HIGH PLACES ? It is a beautiful beautiful allegory that relates to our walk with the Lord. I could go on and on to reassure you and if you need that, please email me. God has preserved our friendship over the years and miles so that we would be able to lift each other up as sisters in Him. I'm here, by your side struggling along too :) Just don't EVER FORGET...YOU ARE PERFECT IN CHRIST KIM!! He sees you as spotless, blameless...PERFECT under Christ's shed blood. Who are you? You are a born again saint who is daily trying to be more and more conformed to the image of Christ. That is the most beautiful and real person you could possibly want to be...THAT is who you are. The Lord is helping you peel away some of the sin nature baggage to reveal the beautiful Spirit residing within so of course some things are changing, but it is not fakeness. Don't listen to that snake whispering to you that it is.
Sorry for the novel :) We have not kept in touch by accident...nor did we meet by this encouragement comes from the Lord. He has put a love and concern for you in my heart so that He can use me as one of His many tools to help encourage you. How amazing is that?!! I am praying for you!! Love in Him,

surcie said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog! I know exactly what you mean about not having a profound testimony. I grew up in a Christian home, too, and I was a good kid with a pretty easy homelife. And now I'm married to a minister. I don't have a lot of earth-shaking God moments. One of the ways I practice "seeing" God in my life is by keeping a gratitude journal. I started it after reading Sarah Ban Breathnach's book, "Simple Abundance" (which isn't a Christian book, nor is it about any other type of spirituality.) The next time you're at a bookstore, take a look at it. It's divided among the days of the year, and for each day, it offers ways to help you see/experience the richness in your life. Anyway, keeping a gratitude journal involves writing down 5 things each day (from that day) that you are grateful for.
Sorry this is so long! I just want to add one more thing. If you want to experience more of God in your life, just ask. And then be on the lookout. He doesn't just come in the earth-shattering things. Maybe you get a call from an old friend just when you need it. Give God credit for your blessings--even the small things--and they will happen more often.

surcie said...

ps: the point I meant to make about the gratitude journal is that when you start keeping it, you begin looking for gratitude journal fodder throughout your day. It changes your perspective. You get a hightened awareness of how blessed you are. And when you look back on pages you've written, it makes you realize how rich your life is.